Seen but Not Judged

This post is part of my journey to show up with presence and compassion—in life and through the lens of NeuroGraphica.

Seen but Not Judged: Learning to Witness Without Labels

For the last couple of years, I’ve been mulling over the idea of judgment—what it means, how it shows up in everyday life, and how our relationship to it is changing. Two things brought this to the forefront for me: first, conversations with my nieces, nephews, and grandchildren (ranging in age from 10 to 20), who are growing up with a very different understanding of judgment than I did. And second, the introduction of Pavel Piskarev’s Algorithm for Removing Judgment (ARJ), which I now teach as part of the Basic User Course in NeuroGraphica®.

Before NeuroGraphica, I didn’t realize just how much judgment I carried—toward others and toward myself. I was raised by parents who were quick to judge, and their constant evaluations—both critical and complimentary—shaped how I saw the world and my place in it. By the time ARJ came into my teaching repertoire, I had already begun using NeuroGraphica to loosen those patterns within myself. But learning to teach ARJ made me dig deeper: What really counts as judgment? Where does it hide in plain sight?

That’s when my younger family members gave me a surprising insight.

They explained that in their world, even compliments—especially about someone’s appearance—can feel like judgment. When I was young, we were taught, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” But now, I hear a different wisdom: “Don’t comment on someone’s appearance unless you’re invited to.”

Because even a kind word can still be a form of evaluation—a reminder that we are being watched, assessed, and perhaps compared.

This shift has changed how I think, how I speak, and how I connect with others. And truthfully? I like the new me.

I’ve come to realize that even positive compliments can trigger discomfort, especially if they touch old wounds of self-worth, visibility, or comparison. Compliments can reinforce standards we didn’t agree to. They can feel like pressure to keep being pretty, polished, or pleasing.

There seems to be general agreement in all generations that judgment is something to avoid. That it’s “not nice.” But the real difference lies in how we define judgment in the first place.

When drawing NeuroGraphica, each student defines their own topic. And when I teach ARJ, I don’t dictate what counts as judgment. I simply ask each person to recognize it within themselves—because unless we can name a pattern, we can’t change it. What I’ve come to deeply appreciate about both drawing and teaching ARJ is how it gently redirects us toward presence—toward seeing what is, not just what we believe should be.

Eckhardt Tolle talks about becoming present, and that one key element of that is accepting the “is-ness” of things. I like that. I’m learning to accept what is - not always look for how everything might be better if only it aligned with my vision.

So now? I no longer comment on anyone’s appearance. And I try – though I’m still learning – not to comment on what anyone else thinks is true.

How about you?

Can you reframe the way you compliment others?

Can we shift from “You look great today” to “You look joyful today” - or simply “I am so happy to see you today.”

Author’s Note:
Writing this helped me recognize how much my thinking has shifted over the years—and how NeuroGraphica has helped soften the sharp edges of old patterns. I’d love to know if you’ve experienced something similar. Has your understanding of compliments or judgment changed over time? Drop me a note, or make a comment in my NeuroGraphica American Style Facebook group.